Edward Cullen is a
vampire meyerpire in the infamous Twilight series. He made of sparkles, glitter, cardboard, and concentrated FAIL. He is in love lust with Bella Swan because she smells good. He says he loves her, but really, what goes through his head is 'MMM LUNCH'. But don't mistake him as being part of the WIN Mmm (x) cult. Also see 'stalker', 'creeper', 'wannabe vampire', 'world's biggest Stu', and 'top of Mmm Chaos's everyone's hitlist'. His most noticable features are his pale, zombie skin (Mmm, necrophilia!), multi-coloured eyes (also known as the biggest Mary Sue trait around), golden hair (Lion, golden hair, get it?! LOL IT'S SO CLEVUR!!1), and eating a shitload of apples (or something like that). You just lost The Game. That's getting seriously annoying by the way.
Reasons Why Edward Is Made of Fail Edit
Feel free to add your own reasons as you come across them.
Vampireism Fail Edit
Edward likes to spend his day OMNOMNOMing
Bambi's mom sweet little animals instead of humans, which apparently makes him a vegetarian vampire. His skin is hard as marble (so he's got a hard-on at all times) and sparkles in the sunlight (Liek omg, it's the SKIN OF A KILLER!1!!1apple!!1!), and every bodily fluid has been reverted to vampire venom (so it makes PERFECT SENSE that he impregnated Bella instead of turning her through her centipede-filled vajoo, no?). He also resembles Prince Cornelius, the fairy in Thumbelina. He's got the bronze hair, and sparklez. All he's missing are dazzling wings. It is suggested his blood also sparkles like toothpaste, perhaps leading to his breath smelling like heavenly toothepaste instead of rotting death.
Boyfriend Fail Edit
Among other things, Twatward likes to treat Bella-Sue like a precious little China Doll, because God forbid she can do anything herself! She might break a nail or something. Before Bella and Edward were even dating, Edward loved to spend his nights breaking into Bella's bedroom illegally
of course, sitting in a rocking chair, watching her sleep while touching himself. His main focus in life is to JIZZ. IN. HIS PANTS. Every time he sees Bella, as demonstrated in the movie. He loves Bella because she smells tasty she's speshul.
Reality Fail Edit
Does anyone think that any 100-year old+
vampire pixie masquerading as a vampire never got laid? Seriously, if he's so perfect, why doesn't he have sex before Bella? There must be something seriously wrong with the guy if he never has had a sexual urge in his life or in his extended time as a pixie masquerading as a vampire. This kind of reminds me of the sparkley faggot name for his species. Or, maybe, he has had sex before, but not with a human... "The Lion lays with the Lamb." Perhaps Bella wasn't the first lamb he laid with. It would explain his incredibly abusive sex with Bella. If Bella wasn't so speshul completely fucking stupid she might've understood that sex doesn't happen like that. She might've also understood that there is no such thing as a 108-year old vampire virgin much less a pixie masquerading as a vampire being a virgin. This might be Smeyer's hopes that abstinence might work for an immortal being that has no real threat of being infected with sexually transmitted diseases. Hell, that doesn't even work for mortal beings, how the fuck would that work for pixies masquerading as vampires?
Someone came up with a theory that he was asexual, but that failed because he had sex with Bella in Breaking Dawn.